Hi, still here sometimes.
This may end up being a melodramatic post, so feel free to pass if that’s not your jam today.
What a couple of months. I separated from my husband in December. In between smalls glimmers of hope that I may be able to be happy again, we have days like today. My husband and I haven’t spoken in nearly a month. I spent some time at home with him around my birthday in April, which was wonderful and terrible all at the same time. Very mixed feelings, and no one changing their mind on our deal breaker. I suppose, being a deal breaker, we’re just putting off the inevitable.
It may be time to take the next step, but I think both of us are not wanting to make a move because that means hope is lost and that this is the end.
I told him months ago that I would consult an attorney to understand what our options are, not to retain one. I never went, but maybe it’s time. We haven’t even split up finances yet, and while I’d like to think he’d never do anything rash, our cash is still shared and he could legally remove it all if he wanted to. I don’t think he would, but we’re approaching a phase where we’re both likely going to feel even more hurt, and of course splitting assets doesn’t exactly bring out the best in people.
That’s on the agenda. In the meantime, I’m just trying to not get too swallowed up in all of the feels. I feel like a failure, guilty for not being the person my husband had hoped, devastated at the loss of a 16-year relationship with someone I was SO SURE I’d grow old with, scared that I’ll never find that same love and companionship again now that I’m in my late 30s and feel like damaged goods, exhausted at the stress of it all and how much I miss him, and just so disappointed I can’t come around and live the life my husband wants.
It’s apparent now, though, that staying in limbo with the hopes that one of us will change our minds isn’t doing us favors. It’s wasting time we could be using to further ourselves towards the lives we want. He will want to start dating again to find a woman who shares his life vision. I will try to figure out who I am on my own, not as his partner anymore, which isn’t something I ever wanted to explore. We got together when I was 20 years old, still living in a very sheltered home. I never left my hometown until we separated in December. There’s probably a lot of learning to do.
I hope one day I’ll be able to get back to my financial blogging. I really enjoyed it and would honestly give my left arm to go back to 2020 when, despite world events, life felt secure and I was just doing Aldi food hauls and reviewing my monthly budgets and investment contributions. Building the nest egg for our future together. Maybe someday soon I can dream a little again and start knocking off some bucket list items. I’m not getting any younger, and the sole silver lining of this whole thing is that from here, things can only go up and there are a lot of possibilities on the horizon.
Take care,
K