It’s been a week. Another one of those not unlike in the Spring, where I’m torn in different directions.
Trying to figure out what to do as far as our marriage goes has been excruciating. I felt more confident over the summer, but now I’m reduced to piles of tears and am masochistically looking through things of our past. Last month, I would have told you that I believed, no matter what, I’d be ok. Now, I’m not as sure.
I had another blog in 2020, a free one, before starting this one. There, I would do little budget challenges and grocery hauls. If I was feeling fancy, I’d post a picture of a loaf of bread I’d baked myself. It was my husband, my dog, and me. And even though 2020 was a weird year for everyone, I miss that time with every bit of myself. Obviously, if we’re now separated, something wasn’t completely right, but it wasn’t a lack of trust or fidelity or fun or love.
I’ve seen my husband more recently, and it’s always so wonderful and awful at the same time. Our dog died in November last year, and going home is always tough because everything is different. My old life is gone, and I just don’t know how to even contemplate the future. Instead of making those plans, I’m reading through my old, naïve, unassuming Aldi hauls and pulling up pictures of my darling dog.
What I wouldn’t give to go back to that… Finish up remote work, walk the dog, and start prepping the meal I’d planned for when my husband came home from work. Maybe we’d share a bottle of wine and reminisce about our trip to Italy the year before. Later, we’d crawl into bed and argue over whether or not to turn on the ceiling fan before ultimately falling asleep in each other’s arms… after my husband tucked the dog into his dog bed, of course.
It seems so simple, but the pain of realizing that life will never be that picture anymore is staggering. I worry it’s one of those things that will haunt me for the rest of my life– like I may wake up in the middle of the night, alone, and remember those simple times when the three of us were together. How wonderful it was.
Some of the feedback from people regarding my separation is along the lines of “You just have to cut the cord.” How? We were barely adults when we met, we’ve been together nearly half of my life, and I love him so deeply. That love is still there for him too. The future just doesn’t line up between the two of us, and I don’t know where things diverged. I feel so… broken. Like I don’t function the way I should as a 37-year-old woman, and it has slowly and quietly driven a wedge in the most important relationship of my life. I don’t want my marriage to end, but I just don’t know how to change things.
Maybe I shouldn’t be reliving the past, but the future seems so bleak without our marriage in many ways. Do I try to figure out any way possible to change who I am? Is that even possible? Will I be alone and empty and forever regretting not taking a leap of faith? Will I be haunted by the memories of my beautiful, imperfect life before? Will I call for him when life’s inevitable suffering comes to a head?
I just want to go home.